My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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