I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
