My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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