I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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