when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
