Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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