I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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