So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
