I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize