I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
