tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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