I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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