Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
