Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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