ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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