i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
