my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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