I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize