I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Slut skills are useful in every country.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
