I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
