And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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