Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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