Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
