May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize