Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
