hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
