why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
