so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
