just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize