so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
