Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
