the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Randomize
