Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the condom got lost in my hair
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
