Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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