honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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