If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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