My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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