I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
