when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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