i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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