I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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