Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
