there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
