he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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