When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
