How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
