she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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