Apparently you make a good broom.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
