Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
