Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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