brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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