Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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