he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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