why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
