Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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