I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
