Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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