i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you didnt know i had herpes?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
