Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
