dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
