So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
