Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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