found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
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