Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
