i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My dick has a subreddit
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
