The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
