So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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