There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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