Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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