WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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