So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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