hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
