Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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