A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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