I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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