y did u give ur computer a hand job?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
