i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize